As I sit up late at night, asking God what in the world is going on with my life. Where did I go wrong? How did it end up like this?
You see, I always seem to have it together; always. When I do things, people make the assumption that I have it like that, but in all reality, I don’t. I don’t have fiddle squat. I have a beautiful heart, a very intellectual mind and a bad attitude. I like making the world see me as this superwoman, because that I feel I am. But the world doesn’t know that I cry every single night, because no one truly loves me, no one genuinely cares for me but my God and my daughter. My mother, sisters and brother, I know they love me too, and for the most part, my family; and Hell, sometimes I question their love for me too. LOL!! But I know, I serve a merciful God, he loves me in spite of me.
You see as I walk this new walk, I realize that my life is not going to be the same again. No more business as usual. I see things differently. I even want to act different. Sometimes when I even think of things that are not of God, I feel bad just for thinking it. It seems crazy but there are so many things that I need to cleanse myself of, I know that it’s not an overnight purge, but it will definitely be a well needed colon cleanse. No, spiritual cleanse. Now it’s not just my body being transformed, but it’s my mind that is being transformed.
You see, I have recently decided to help young teen girls in my community by developing a teen empowerment program. Thanks to my very loving, caring, intellectual and might I add spoiled daughter, I have given up all my Saturdays to be with very rude, obnoxious but teen girls with plenty of potential. We talk, we laugh, we learn and we build healthy relationships. For some of these young ladies, this program would probably be the only positive thing they would encounter in their life, at the rate the society is going. But anyway, as I sit and think of all the positive elements of love and life, I can instill in my young ladies. I must remember that I too can use a dose of my own medicine.
How can I instill greatness into young teen girls and still have pity on myself? Nope, that is not an option. Who would have thought that as I try to better my young ladies, the therapy that was much-needed for me, is being performed too, who knew? I’ve come to the realization that this was God creative plan all along. He seems to always get his point across, by showing me my purpose through my daughter. LOL!! That seem to have been the only reason, I had to have her when I did. You see, I have lost quite a few children in my life and she was the only one that made it through. She walked into my life and gave my life a purpose, just as I was about to give up on life. Here she comes!! I tell you, my daughter is and will always be considered in my mind, my guardian angel.
You see, as long as I align my steps in my life according to my developing her into a virtuous woman, my life has a purpose. Just like the birth of SC Precious Jewels, the birth of SC Precious Jewels became the rebirth of me. That is my purpose, it will be my legacy.
But just like any great thing that has entered our realm of life; you have the naysayers, and the dream killers coming along to crush your dreams. I never really had a dream until now; I had little goals that I needed to accomplish in my life, but never really a dream. I work all day, just to survive but never dreamed. Like, I mentioned earlier, it goes back to people assuming that I have it together. That’s because I strive to accomplish my many little goals, but never once did I accomplish that big dream.
Since there is a first time for everything, I would like the world to sit back, relax and enjoy my journey to my greatest accomplishment in life, my dream. I would like to take you on the journey with me, the roller coaster ride, the emotions, determination and the will to survive and become something great because I feel that is my purpose in life.
My grandmother always used to tell me that I was a force to be reckoned with. I am supposed to be great, if I didn’t get my priorities in order, my daughter would leave me behind. This was her message to me, from the first day she laid eyes on my daughter, and so far all that she has said has come true. Even when I’m down, I hear her yelling at me, for this I’m grateful.
I’m grateful to have wonderful people in my life; and grateful for the people who are not so wonderful. I’ve noticed that they are my reminders, so I do need them.
You see, one thing that I always hear my Pastor preach, everything in our life is only for a season. Once that season changes, all those in it has to go too. I feel like my season is about to change.
Memoirs of a Woman Gone Mad!!